Dear Miss Manners: Is there ever a polite way to teach other people’s kids to be a little more mannerly or considerate?
For years, I have been driving my grandson's carpool once or twice a week. The three involved are good kids, and I have no problem providing this much-needed service. I know how hard it is for parents who work full-time to drive somewhere in the middle of the afternoon, especially when there are siblings on different schedules in other schools. The benefit for me is that I see my grandson more often than I would otherwise.
As the youngsters enter the middle school years, however, they increasingly treat me as if I'm some sort of robot, or at best, a nameless bus driver — not someone they've known since kindergarten. One wears ear buds and probably doesn't even hear me when I say hello and goodbye. They were a lot more fun when they were younger.
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I know it would be futile to insist on actual conversation, but wouldn’t it be nice if they could just greet me politely when they get into my car? And say goodbye (and maybe even “Thanks for the ride”) as they depart? It’s not as if I need to be thanked, exactly; I just wonder what their conduct says about how they relate to people in general.
Is there anything I could say that would help them realize that social graces are basic life skills, ones that grease the wheels of human interaction throughout life? I could say something to the parents. However, if they take offense, they might say something like, “If you don’t like it, you don’t have to drive.” I already know that, and still want to do it.
These kids will be driving themselves in a few years, and this situation is not unbearable for me; it just feels as if I’m missing an opportunity to provide a little guidance that seems lacking from other adults in their lives.
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You are in charge. You get to make the rules.
Miss Manners suggests that next time you pick up the kids, you say, “All right, everyone. Here are the ground rules. Everyone says 'hello' when entering the car, and 'goodbye and thank you' when leaving. Conversational questions will be answered, not ignored or grunted at. This is not a ride-share. Tips are not accepted, but I appreciate a five-star review.”
While your grandson may secretly roll his eyes at his eccentric grandparent, Miss Manners has no doubt that he will appreciate the effort — at least eventually.
But if none of this works, take some comfort in knowing that there is an advantage to being invisible. When they do talk, you get to hear all the middle school gossip that the parents are missing.
Dear Miss Manners: I, a young woman, was recently introduced to an elderly gentleman while I was seated. During the introduction, I started to stand up to greet him. He waved me off and told me to sit, then approached and shook my hand.
Was it okay that I acquiesced and sat back down?
Well, it is infinitely better than fighting him.
New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.
© 2024 Judith Martin
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